I feel like I write this blog post every year. I love my little family, and they love me every day, not just on Mother’s Day. But every year for the past 6 years, Mother’s Day means the Wednesday after Mother’s Day is near. That is the day I watched my mom die in the hospital. I have tried lots of things to make Mother’s Day easier – going for lake therapy with the family, going solo. And the worst strategy of all? Pretending Wednesday isn’t happening.
Nothing makes this time of year easier, so today I asked to have some alone time just to sit with my thoughts. I think this might be my best strategy yet. Was I less sad? No. But I did not have to pretend that Wednesday is not coming. I did not have to pretend that I no longer have a mom to celebrate with. Or pretend that I do not mourn not being able to pick up the phone to call and ask for advice.
I would give anything for just one more birthday where she called singing to me… the entire birthday song….first thing in the morning. Or one of her sketches of a garden idea she had for our yard. Or one of the annoying toys she gave my kids as toddlers that made all kinds of unnecessary sounds.
I miss all of these things and hate depression for making her not want to be happy and want to live. I try to tell myself to fight to be happy and be a positive role model for my children. But Wednesday is coming whether I want it to or not. I have learned that grief is not a linear process and try to just embrace how it hits you. And for all the moms who got to celebrate with their moms today, be grateful and appreciate every single Mother’s Day you have together.